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Song Du Jour: Eventually, one does get tired of caring.
I feel as though all my life I've tried hard to please people. First, my parents, then my brother and sister, then my teachers, my friends, and so on, and so on. A people-pleaser. That's what I've always been. It's been an unspoken characteristic of mine to always do what others have wanted, regardless of how I felt.
The last few years have not been so kind to me, so I have not been up to par in pleasing people these days. For pure survival reasons, I have had to disappoint people to get, not necessarily what I want, but definitely to get what I need.
I was so angry about something this evening that I contemplated just shutting down this site and never looking back. I haven't been writing anything of substance lately anyway. It's mostly just been mumblings about my pathetic lack of a life, but I realized right before I hit the "delete blog" button that these words that fill this site - they are mine, and mine alone. This site wasn't created to please someone, or anyone - I created this site for me. This site is here for me to pour out my heart's content (or discontent) and a place for me to exorcise my demons. Maybe some of the words here may displease some or even anger others, but I have come to realize: I REALLY DO NOT CARE.
So read on, if you care to do so, but if you do, do not judge me. You have no idea what it's like to walk in my shoes.
This is my page, and if what I write offends or displeases you, you are free to leave.
But leave your judgments on the next blog. Not here.
Not in the one place where I am supposed to be free to express myself.
I feel as though all my life I've tried hard to please people. First, my parents, then my brother and sister, then my teachers, my friends, and so on, and so on. A people-pleaser. That's what I've always been. It's been an unspoken characteristic of mine to always do what others have wanted, regardless of how I felt.
The last few years have not been so kind to me, so I have not been up to par in pleasing people these days. For pure survival reasons, I have had to disappoint people to get, not necessarily what I want, but definitely to get what I need.
I was so angry about something this evening that I contemplated just shutting down this site and never looking back. I haven't been writing anything of substance lately anyway. It's mostly just been mumblings about my pathetic lack of a life, but I realized right before I hit the "delete blog" button that these words that fill this site - they are mine, and mine alone. This site wasn't created to please someone, or anyone - I created this site for me. This site is here for me to pour out my heart's content (or discontent) and a place for me to exorcise my demons. Maybe some of the words here may displease some or even anger others, but I have come to realize: I REALLY DO NOT CARE.
So read on, if you care to do so, but if you do, do not judge me. You have no idea what it's like to walk in my shoes.
This is my page, and if what I write offends or displeases you, you are free to leave.
But leave your judgments on the next blog. Not here.
Not in the one place where I am supposed to be free to express myself.
10 Grinds:
If you deleted your blog, I would be very sad. You should at least send me your email so I could still keep in contact with you. How weird is it that through this vast web and random blogs, we find people who we can relate to...people we care about to the level possible? Just so you know, your posts and comments on my blog have been a great part of my life.
And, seriously...if you don't go buy or check it out of the library, I will send Women Who Love Too Much to you!!! :) Read it. You'll be glad you did.
Hang in there. Life sucks until it quits sucking. :)
I have definitely been through this stage...so over to the point of hitting that delete blog button..But then you're right..just like what other bloggers told me..Our blogs are not created for their reading pleasure..:)
Hope you continue blogging...I so love your heartfelt posts and nice comments..:)
i miss you nova. and i do hope you continue your blogging, you've touched and inspired a lot of people including myself. :)
Nova... I understand completely. You know I have had jerkwads read my blog and try to turn it against me, but I keep going. I keep writing even though I know said jerkwad may still be reading my blog. Cuz it doesn't matter..its my words..its my heart on a sleeve, its what I need and the rest is irrelevant. You ever need just to talk you know where to reach me hon. Take care of yourself.
I've always found myself to be a people pleaser, too. I had to step back and look at things in a different light before I finally started to be a little bit selfish, and do what was best for me.
I would be extremely sad if I could no longer read your blog. You've been so inspiring to me. Even though we've never met, I've always felt a closeness to you through your words, thoughts, and feelings.
Keep expressing yourself, girl... It's SO worth it! *hugs*
Hmmmm...Nova, this is your blog. Keep that in mind :) <3 you (hugs) No need to justify it. If we didn't want to read it, we wouldn't. Those who get a kick out of being negative, are sad sad little things with nothing better to do with their pathetic waste of a life.
so glad you stayed. i enjoy our connection. i am recovering from my surgery and surfing around blogsites again. the fireworks were awesome! thanks for sharing. and that photo of your darling little girl is adorable.
Here! Here! I totally agree with you. I too am a people pleaser myself but lately I've been focusing on myself and it seems so selfish to me but I feel better. But yes, I also use my blog to express my feelings. It just feels like a huge release to just put my feelings out there. Sometimes, I look back into my old posts and see how far I've come and how I was feeling at that time. I enjoy your blog and wouldn't change anything. ;)
i hope you don't delete your blog. i hope everything works out for you, on your terms. and i want to be there when it does.
Wow, Nova,
I hope you never delete your blog. I haven't been online as much of late, due to personal reasons, but I wouldn've been devastated if I got online and your blog is gone....
And I agree with Alison, (not only is your blog a great part of my life) your comments are a great part of my life too.
I hope that what ever or who ever made you that unhappy won't bother you again!!!
//Vic
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