The Angel and the King

I grew up in the 80s, and so the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson hit home in a strange way. They were both icons of my childhood and the news of their deaths, all in one day, was a shock to say the least. It feels like a death of part of my childhood.

Here's a song for them both - a fitting song for such a sad day - a haunting song, and one of my favorites from MJ: "She's Out of My Life"

May they both rest in peace.

(photo source: Google Images)

I've Chosen.... Poorly

I received the invitation to my twenty-year high school reunion.

Yeah. I’m that old.

Twenty years have passed and I still feel as unfulfilled and as lost as I did when I graduated. I had a plan, twenty years ago. I was going to go to college, law school, get married and have a few kids. I was going to be settled and comfortable by the time I reach 40.

And now I am 38 with a failed marriage and am a single mother. I owned two houses in my 20s and accumulated a lot of worldly possessions. Now I am two years away from being 40, and I own nothing. Everything that I had went right down the drain along with my marriage.

I am nowhere near being settled or comfortable.

I am so angry and disappointed with myself that I can’t sleep at night. I get what I need to get done during the day, and at night, I curse myself for all the bad choices I made these last twenty years. Because life really is about choices – and all the choices that I made led me to where I am now.

Do you remember that scene in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where the guy tries to drink from the cup of everlasting life, and he chooses the shiny gold cup, drinks from it and dies, and the Knight says “He chose… poorly”?

That’s how I feel right now. I’ve chosen poorly.

And I will spend the next half of my life trying to undo all the bad choices I have made.

And no, I will not be attending the reunion.

“We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.” ~ Thomas Merton

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” ~ Albert Camus

Devil and Sprinkles

It’s the 12th day of June. It rained ten of the twelve days. I love rain. But too much of anything is never good.

I realized last night that a certain Verizon commercial stresses me out.

I grew up poor. We were always taught never to be wasteful. The pouring of the excess sprinkles in the commercial really bothers me. Some may find that commercial funny. It stresses me out on so many levels.

My OCD nature rears its ugly head when I least expect it – when I’m trying to relax in front of the television and a stupid commercial like that one makes me think of all the cleanup they had to do to pick up all the little sprinkles off the floor – and the thought of wasting all that good sprinkle when so many people in this world are starving.

Yeah. I got issues.

Meanwhile, here’s a photo of my little devil. She’s really not, though. She just likes to pretend she is with her little red devil horns. ♥

"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them." ~ Richard L. Evans

Tough Skin

I really have to develop thicker skin.

I've been feeling really good these last few months about myself. Despite my busy schedule, I've been waking up early every morning and exercising, and I've been eating sensibly. I've even dropped down to a size 2.

Seriously, it only takes a few words to shatter one's (my) confidence.

As I passed by the reception desk this morning, the receptionist says, "Oh! Have you gained weight?"

I smiled at her and approached her desk. I thought she asked if I had lost weight. I was about to tell her my minor lifestyle changes and how happy I've been with how my clothes have been fitting, when she says, "Yeah, your face looks fuller. Have you gained weight?"

The disappointment must have shown in my face, because she quickly came back with a disclaimer.

"Oh, well, I haven't seen you in awhile, so I don't really know!"

I said, "No, I'm just always this chubby."

Now I feel like stuffing my face, because what's the point, right? After months of exercise and eating right, and people think I still look fat.

Either I stuff my face or don't eat, ever again.

I just can't win.

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." ~ W.C. Fields

"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." ~ David Brinkley

The Few, The Proud...

I am so proud of my best friend, who recently became the poster boy for the Marines. He's a Captain in the Marines, an aviator, and the best friend a girl could ever have.

Note: I seem to be having trouble embedding this video. Just click on this link to view the video.