Canada Day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CANADA!!!

Hope you're having fun today, Gary.

Idle

I am home from work early tonight and I am trying to keep my mind busy. Everyone is asleep already, and I am left alone to my own devices.

Amazing how the mind works when it is left idle.

I finished watching a Mickey Rourke movie that I rented from Blockbuster Friday night. It was quite entertaining and suspenseful, and it resurrected my belief in Mickey's acting skills. He had already impressed me with The Wrestler, but Killshot sealed the deal. I am once again a Mickey Rourke fan.

I checked an old email account that I haven't used in awhile and saw an email from an ex of mine. He had written to me in February, but I never responded because I hardly ever check that particular account. He didn't write anything remarkably private in the email, but he did attach photos of himself with his baby girl. I also saw a few pictures of his baby's mother, who he has yet to label his "girlfriend". Apparently, they're not getting along so well, but he claims he stays with her because of the baby.

I am not sure why, but after seeing the photos and seeing him so happy with his baby and seeing the photos of all three of them as a "family" - I suddenly found myself uncontrollably crying. It isn't so much that I want him or want to be with him, but I suppose there was a part of me that knew that the photos could have easily been of us, if only things had ended up differently. If only I had been different. If only.

I also felt sad that I cannot offer the same to G. Aside from my brother and my parents, she and I are alone together in this world. She has a father who cares more about his habits than he does for her, and a sister who just doesn't care. I want to give her the solid family life that I had when I was growing up, and I feel helpless knowing that I cannot provide that for her.

There are just so many things that I want, and it just feels that no matter how hard I work to try and make things right, things just always seem to go wrong.

Bored and Tired

I am feeling extremely bored. Bored with everything. My life, my job. Everything.

I worked from home most of the weekend, although I did have a chance to take out my bicycle and ride through the Promenade for a bit. I got some sun, which lifted my spirits a bit, but then it got too hot and I left before I got too irritated by the heat.

I am at work now, and I cannot concentrate. My mind keeps wandering and I have caught myself daydreaming. Then I received an email from a friend who is right now vacationing in Paris and celebrating her wedding anniversary.

I am sick with envy.

(photo source)

I want to be here, instead. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of worrying about things that I cannot fix or change. I'm tired of always trying to do the right thing.

I am just tired.

If I weren't so broke, G and I would be there right now.

"Boredom is an emptiness filled with insistence." ~ Leo Stein

The Angel and the King

I grew up in the 80s, and so the deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson hit home in a strange way. They were both icons of my childhood and the news of their deaths, all in one day, was a shock to say the least. It feels like a death of part of my childhood.

Here's a song for them both - a fitting song for such a sad day - a haunting song, and one of my favorites from MJ: "She's Out of My Life"

May they both rest in peace.

(photo source: Google Images)

I've Chosen.... Poorly

I received the invitation to my twenty-year high school reunion.

Yeah. I’m that old.

Twenty years have passed and I still feel as unfulfilled and as lost as I did when I graduated. I had a plan, twenty years ago. I was going to go to college, law school, get married and have a few kids. I was going to be settled and comfortable by the time I reach 40.

And now I am 38 with a failed marriage and am a single mother. I owned two houses in my 20s and accumulated a lot of worldly possessions. Now I am two years away from being 40, and I own nothing. Everything that I had went right down the drain along with my marriage.

I am nowhere near being settled or comfortable.

I am so angry and disappointed with myself that I can’t sleep at night. I get what I need to get done during the day, and at night, I curse myself for all the bad choices I made these last twenty years. Because life really is about choices – and all the choices that I made led me to where I am now.

Do you remember that scene in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where the guy tries to drink from the cup of everlasting life, and he chooses the shiny gold cup, drinks from it and dies, and the Knight says “He chose… poorly”?

That’s how I feel right now. I’ve chosen poorly.

And I will spend the next half of my life trying to undo all the bad choices I have made.

And no, I will not be attending the reunion.

“We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.” ~ Thomas Merton

“Life is a sum of all your choices.” ~ Albert Camus

Postcards from Above

My office is right on the Broadway strip. I sometimes like to wander into the tourist shops that surround my building. I walked into one today and saw the rack of postcards near the door. 8 postcards for a $1.00. On impulse, I decided to buy a pack.

“Why not?” I asked myself. “I could always use them as decoration or maybe actually send a postcard to someone.”

I always equated postcards with vacations. Either I would receive one from a friend on vacation, or I would send one when I was on vacation. Postcards = vacation.

With the pack of postcards in my hand, I realized that I had just broken the equation I had ingrained in my head.

I then thought of the best vacation I had ever taken in my life - a vacation I had taken thousands of lifetimes ago - to a magical place by the sea, the Adriatic Sea, in a little town called Termoli.

(photo source)

I was invited to Termoli after I defeated an Italian competitor in the weapons division at a martial arts tournament. I placed first, and A placed second. He and the rest of the Italian team invited me to spend Christmas in Italy with them to teach my sword form. After my first breakup with S, I was so heartbroken that I welcomed the escape. I quit my job and packed up and went to Italy.

Although known for its beautiful beaches, Termoli is not really a town for tourists, and is more of a place where people actually live. It was a place where A let me grieve for S while showing me that I can learn to love again. A and I would along the beaches and into the historic castle fort and we would not long for the past or plan for the future. We simply lived in the moment. I stayed in Termoli with A until my money ran out and I had to go back to the U.S. to face my responsibilities and real life.

Sadly, I never did see A again, and I haven't been back to Termoli since then. He passed away a few years ago - a tragic, unexpected death, and a devastating loss for all who knew and loved him. I received a letter from his family a while ago, inviting me and G to come visit them, my family, in Termoli.

I only spent $1 on the pack of the postcards, and I got so much more than I imagined I would: a flood of memories, a bittersweet reminder of A, and the inspiration to live in the moment.

Here's to you, A. You were always my angel. I'll see you again someday.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” ~ Eskimo Proverb

Devil and Sprinkles

It’s the 12th day of June. It rained ten of the twelve days. I love rain. But too much of anything is never good.

I realized last night that a certain Verizon commercial stresses me out.

I grew up poor. We were always taught never to be wasteful. The pouring of the excess sprinkles in the commercial really bothers me. Some may find that commercial funny. It stresses me out on so many levels.

My OCD nature rears its ugly head when I least expect it – when I’m trying to relax in front of the television and a stupid commercial like that one makes me think of all the cleanup they had to do to pick up all the little sprinkles off the floor – and the thought of wasting all that good sprinkle when so many people in this world are starving.

Yeah. I got issues.

Meanwhile, here’s a photo of my little devil. She’s really not, though. She just likes to pretend she is with her little red devil horns. ♥

"Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them." ~ Richard L. Evans

Tough Skin

I really have to develop thicker skin.

I've been feeling really good these last few months about myself. Despite my busy schedule, I've been waking up early every morning and exercising, and I've been eating sensibly. I've even dropped down to a size 2.

Seriously, it only takes a few words to shatter one's (my) confidence.

As I passed by the reception desk this morning, the receptionist says, "Oh! Have you gained weight?"

I smiled at her and approached her desk. I thought she asked if I had lost weight. I was about to tell her my minor lifestyle changes and how happy I've been with how my clothes have been fitting, when she says, "Yeah, your face looks fuller. Have you gained weight?"

The disappointment must have shown in my face, because she quickly came back with a disclaimer.

"Oh, well, I haven't seen you in awhile, so I don't really know!"

I said, "No, I'm just always this chubby."

Now I feel like stuffing my face, because what's the point, right? After months of exercise and eating right, and people think I still look fat.

Either I stuff my face or don't eat, ever again.

I just can't win.

"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." ~ W.C. Fields

"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." ~ David Brinkley

Frustrated

"Frustration may turn into resentment today if you cannot figure out how to express yourself. It might seem as if your normal communication channels are blocked, leaving you to internalize negative feelings. But this probably has less to do with the circumstances that appear to hold you back than with your having to learn a lesson that you tried to avoid. Pay attention; this is your chance to get it right."

This was my horoscope for today. I normally don't pay much attention to horoscopes because they're so general and really can apply to anyone, but today, this hit me like a hammer in the head.

I am frustrated with a particular person who I have tried to help countless times, and who I have tried to forgive in the past for even more countless offenses, but who somehow manages to disappoint me time and again. I have cut out almost everything and everyone negative in my life, but this one particular person is a person that I just can't seem to rid myself of: G's father.

I don't know if it's out of pity or guilt that I stay in communication with him. Essentially, he's a straight-up loser and really needs all the help he can get in his life, and also, I don't want to have to explain to G when she's older as to why her father is such a low-life, so I do try to help him in any way that I can.

But it always seems to backfire in my face, and in the end, he never seems to appreciate anything I do for him, and in fact, he somehow feels as if I owe him something. I guess because he's nearly ruined parts of my life, that I owe it to him to let him ruin my whole life?

I don't know how to tell him and make him understand that I owe him nothing, that the help I give him is purely optional, and that he cannot expect any more help from me than I've already provided to him.

How do you speak to someone who never listens?

The Few, The Proud...

I am so proud of my best friend, who recently became the poster boy for the Marines. He's a Captain in the Marines, an aviator, and the best friend a girl could ever have.

Note: I seem to be having trouble embedding this video. Just click on this link to view the video.