I ...

(Stolen from Andrea. Thanks, girl!)

I am: learning to love myself.

I think: we all need to feel loved.

I want: G to grow up happy and healthy.

I have: a dog that always manages to teach me life lessons.

I dislike: liars and cheaters.

I miss: my sister.

I fear: that I will not be able to take care of the people I love.

I feel: hopeful that things will turn around for me.

I hear: the sound of G’s voice and it makes me melt.

I crave: my mom’s cooking.

I cry: for almost any reason.

I usually: avoid large, noisy crowds.

I regret: all the times that I have hurt someone.

I search: for ways to make life simpler.

I wonder: if love will ever find me again.

I love: my family and friends.

I care: about the influences the world will have on G.

I always: seem to choose the harder path.

I worry: about more things than I should.

I am not: forgiving enough.

I remember: when life was much less complicated.

I believe: in God and that He does work in mysterious ways.

I dance: in my living room.

I sing: only in private or when intoxicated at a karaoke bar.

I don't always: remember to be grateful.

I argue: whenever I feel the other person is wrong.

I write: to feel better.

I win: at rock-paper-scissors most of the time.

I lose: at everything else.

I wish: my whole family could be together again.

I listen: to my parents more now than I ever did.

I don't understand: how life can be so unfair sometimes.

I can usually be found: at the Midtown Library.

I watch: sappy movies because I like them.

I need: to win the Lottery.

I forget: that I can still dream.

I am happy: when I know that G is happy.

Newer Doesn't Always Mean Better

The weekend was long, but so was my to-do list.

I spent much of the weekend attending to chores that my family left here for me to handle while they live their lives in the Philippines. Do I sound bitter?

Okay, maybe I am a bit. But how do you turn down those you love?

Anyway, I do find ways to entertain myself while I’m running other people’s errands.

On my way back to New York from Maryland, I stopped off in Philadelphia. I had been craving cheesesteaks, so where better than Philly to feed that particular craving?

So, I went to Pat’s first, and then to Geno’s. I had seen both featured on the Food Network or some other food show, but I wasn’t sure which was better, so I had to try both.

Pat’s was very whole-in-the-wall-ish, with an old frame house type sort of building as its front. Geno’s, directly across the street, was much more modern, with flashing lights and newer decorations.

Old World

vs.

Las Vegas

As I had suspected, Old World (Pat’s) won. Hands down. The cheese was melt-in-your-mouth, and the steak was plentiful and tasty. Unfortunately, Geno’s was a disappointment. The cheese was dry and so was the steak.

It’s no wonder the lines at Pat’s was much longer.

Feast Week

It’s Fleet Week here in New York, and as I am lover of men in uniform, it has been a banquet feast for the eyes.

I only look, though.

The other day I ran into a group of military men at the corner café near my office. I saw a group of them at the breakfast bar as I paid for my coffee at the cashier station. They were all decked out in uniform. I sighed to myself as I left the deli.

One of the military men stopped me outside the door.

“Hi!” he said.

“Hello,” I replied.

“Are you Filipino?”

“Yes, I am.”

He smiled. “I knew it! I saw you inside the café and I wondered if you were Filipino. I love Filipino people! I was in Manila for awhile. I was stationed there, you see, and they were the nicest people I have ever encountered.”

“Some are, yes. They’re all especially nice to soldiers.” I joked with him.

We talked for a few minutes outside of the café. Essentially, he asked me out on a date. As much as I was flattered by his attention, I politely refused.

The thing is, he looked so damn young. I mean, when the hell did they start recruiting them so young? Or am I just getting old?

Before I left, I asked him his age. Just to make sure. As I suspected, he was way young.

Unseemly young.

I told him I had been married and that I had a baby. He seemed genuinely shocked.

“But I thought you were my age.”

Thanks, Kid. You don’t even know how you just made my week.

“I still got it.” I thought to myself. I mentally patted myself on the back and went to work that day with a smile on my face.

Man, do I love Fleet Week.

Evaluation and Assessment

I had my ninety day review yesterday at work. It went rather smoothly, and quickly. The meeting took all of seven minutes.

No raise. But that was to be expected, considering the firm layoffs happening nationally. I am thankful that I even have a job.

Overall, the firm is happy with my performance. The adjectives they used to describe me were "thorough", "responsive" and "reliable".

Yes, that's who I am. Good ol' reliable.

The same adjectives can be used to describe a dog.

After my work review, I thought about evaluating myself on a personal level - sort of a mid-year assessment on the goals that I set for myself earlier this year. I realized that in all other areas of my life, I haven't been as thorough and as reliable. I've slacked off on the things in life that really matter, like making a positive difference in this world and simply being happy with myself.

It's not too late to start again.

In other news, G started a pre- pre-school program. It's a daily playdate where she can be with other kids for a few hours a day. They play, sing songs, and draw. There is no real curriculum. It's just a place for kids to be happy. She loves it. She came home the other day with a gold star. She was so proud of herself.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." ~ Angela Schwindt

"There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million." ~ Walt Streightiff

Alone

I haven’t been able to sleep well lately. There’s this gnawing, queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I haven’t been able to shake. There are too many things happening in my life right now, and unfortunately, none of them are good. Every day is a constant battle to stay positive, but it’s rather difficult when negative people and things are always in my path. I can only do so much cleaning and throwing out of the things in my life that cause me stress. I am down to a skeleton-crew of friends, so to speak. I’ve been burned too often and too much by everyone I trusted. I almost feel like I can’t rely on anyone except myself.

Maybe part of this funk that I am in is a result of being overworked. I work all the time. I have no financial support from anyone, and even worse, others actually depend on me for financial help. I worry about such things as my health and what would happen to G if something happened to me. My parents are getting older and my brother has his own life with his wife – I cannot rely on them to always catch me when I fall.

It's a painful feeling to know that you're alone in this world.

"It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.” ~ Albert Einstein

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." ~ Brendan Francis

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

I love you, Mama.


(source)

Walk Away

It had already been a few days, but she was still feeling the adrenaline.

Vesper had been angry before, certainly, but never like that.

She kept re-playing the events in her head, hoping and thinking that if she thought about it hard enough, she could go back in time and change what she had done. She kept telling herself that she should have been able to stop herself, and that she should have just walked away.

But no, she had to be the tough guy. She allowed her buttons to be pushed by a loud-mouthed street girl. True, the girl probably was due for a beat-down. It was evident in the way she had not been able to keep her mouth from flapping the whole train ride from uptown to downtown, and how the entire train car was now privy to all of her personal business. But still. That was still no excuse.

But then there was the direct confrontation. The spittle coming out of her mouth and onto Vesper’s face as the street girl was yelling into her face something about respect for her elders. Vesper laughed, and yelled something about the street girl knowing nothing about respect.

Then the push came. The street girl pushed Vesper. It wasn’t a hard push. But just enough to incense someone, and just enough to throw Vesper into a fury which she herself did not know she was capable of having.

Blind fury.

Blind rage.

All Vesper can remember is pushing the girl back while the train was moving, and the girl falling onto the aisle. And as the girl is down, Vesper kicks the girl, and kicks her again, and again. It took two men to restrain her and to stop her from doing serious damage to the girl. The train made an emergency stop. It caused a delay in the track lines for over an hour. Vesper and the street girl were hauled away by the police.

In the end, Vesper got away with it. Witnesses in the train attested to self-defense. The street girl pushed Vesper, and Vesper was merely defending herself.

But all she could think was that it did not have to happen that way. No matter how belligerent or annoying that street girl was, she didn’t deserve that kind of beating, and it certainly did not justify the broken ribs.

She looked inside herself and she knew that it wasn’t just the street girl with her loud mouth and spittle that took her to the level of anger and violence that it did. The rage that had been building for quite some time now had nothing to do with the street girl. The street girl was merely the unfortunate catalyst for Vesper’s rage to manifest.

She made a mental note that in the future, should another similar situation arise, she should just walk away.

“I really need to end this drought,” she thought to herself.

“He who angers you conquers you.” ~ Elizabeth Kenny

"At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.” ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

Change Your Skies

Two years, six days, four hours and twenty three minutes.

That was how long ago since he had left her. She left him, too, although he did not seem to be aware of it, because he was no longer there to see for himself. She left him when she went out on dates with other men. She left him whenever she went to the old places where they used to go. "See, I am here! Without you!" she imagined herself saying to him.

She wanted to tell him that she was no longer with him and that he wasn't the only one who had left. She thought that by not staying by her phone and by not waiting for his call, that he would feel the loss of her.

She made trips across the ocean and visited places she knew he would never dream of going. She thought that by being anywhere except for where he expected her to be, that he would know that she was lost to him.

But in the two years, six days, four hours and twenty three minutes since he had left her, he never came back for her. She had hoped that he would, only to find that she had also gone. More than anything in the world, she wanted him to know the feeling of having been left.

After two years, six days, four hours, and twenty four minutes, she realized that she had never really left him. No matter how many times she thought she had left him and no matter how many places she had gone to leave him behind, she never really did leave, because she had always carried him with her.

"Those who cross the sea, change their skies, but not their souls." ~ Horace

(source)